Hanging By A Thread

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In need of getting some fresh air to clear my mind, I went down the block to Nyack Beach. This weekend has been a difficult one for me as I feel Derek’s physical absence more than I have within the last 2 months. Someone once described the loss of a husband/partner with the loss of a limb. You can’t see it — but you feel the limb as well as the incompleteness of it being missing. It’s a terrible mental and emotional pain that doesn’t go away.

The “beach” which is really more of a hiking/bike trail with picnic benches lies next to Hook Mountain and is adjacent to the Hudson River. It’s always been a favorite Sunday ritual for Derek and myself to walk along the paths snapping pictures and enjoying each other’s company.

I picked a quiet picnic table to sit and read my new book — The Afterlife Connection, which examines a psychotherapists’ experience with afterlife communication and how our bond with loved ones is not just psychological. I was on a chapter that discussed how our loved ones are always around to provide signs so as long as we are open to the connection and can recognize their signs when sent. As I began reading a case study on a young woman reaching out to her father in spirit about a career decision, a bee landed on the book and started moving side to side as if it were reading the page with me. Not looking to get stung, I gently tilted the book down for the bee to move away. Instead of flying off it moved up and started walking up my arm — my instant reaction was to stand up which prompted the bee to fly away. If Derek were with me he would have instructed me to have my Off fan with me; with the reminder of him not being there to tell me this I began cry instantly. “I can’t do this anymore…I’m hanging by a thread, Derek. I need you.”

As I start wiping the tears away I noticed a few autumn leaves falling to the ground. I looked up and saw what appeared as a branch hanging in mid-air below a tree. Upon, closer inspection, the branch was hanging on some type of string. Maybe it was a fishing line that somehow became tangled with the branch and the tree or maybe someone put it there (although I don’t see what the purpose of doing that would have achieved). Whatever the reason, this branch remained as part of the whole tree and moved ever so slowly and gracefully even as the leaves were blowing against the strong morning wind. “Hanging by a thread”, the branch wasn’t in danger of falling. And I wouldn’t be in danger of falling as long as I held onto Derek’s hand. I smiled and whispered, “Thank you for keeping me from falling.”

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12 thoughts on “Hanging By A Thread

    seductive123 said:
    August 27, 2012 at 2:36 am

    Nic ebit of writing read mine too let me no your views 🙂

      Val responded:
      August 27, 2012 at 11:17 am

      Thank you for your comment. I’ve never had patience for writing so I am actually surprised with myself that I am doing this. Just read your posts they are well-written and emotional. You know the authors of Twilight and 50 Shades began through blogging — are you looking to turn your writing into something like that or is this all just for your own personal catharsis?

        submissive emma said:
        August 28, 2012 at 9:36 am

        thanks i not really sure yet which direction to take my writing into , I think if i will wade it out few months see how my blogs etc first 🙂

    tersiaburger said:
    August 27, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    Thank you for sharing this beautiful post with us. I hope you remain sensitive to Derek’s presence.

      Val responded:
      August 27, 2012 at 8:56 pm

      Thank you Tersia. I just read your blog — you and your daughter are amazing souls as well as the strength of your family. Thank you for your journaling — you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

    tersiaburger said:
    August 29, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    I have nominated you for the Beautiful Blogger Award. Please check my post to accept the award. http://tersiaburger.com/2012/08/29/beautiful-blogger-award

      Val responded:
      September 1, 2012 at 9:02 pm

      Hi Tersia, I hope all is well. I just wanted to reach out and say THANK YOU again for the blog nomination. I’ve kind of been writing this blog as a way to release emotions, random thoughts and stories. While the transition into grief has been a hard one, I am thankful for all of the amazing souls and sources of strength that I have been learning from and connecting with — including yours. Thank you for reading. I will continue to keeping you and your family in my prayers. Val

    sarah treanor said:
    August 30, 2012 at 11:46 pm

    I love this. I have been exploring connecting with those who have passed on too, after having had some particularly strong experiences these past 2 months with my fiancé. These instances have led me to believe without a doubt that they are still with us and still exist in our lives. It is like radio waves without the radio in the room – still there, we just need to focus ourselves to tune in. Thank you for sharing that book, i’m definitely going to check it out. Keep up the writing, it is beautiful and honest and lovely. ❤

      Val responded:
      September 1, 2012 at 9:12 pm

      Thank you Sarah. It’s interesting, because when I look back on the last couple of weeks, any energy that I have, has gone into reading non-stop on the connection we have with those we love. For many widows whom I’ve spoken with, the pain is too raw to even begin thinking about reading or about the connection beyond. I think because of the cross that Derek sent when he passed, I have been able to explore this so easily. I’ve also started keeping a journal of all of the signs and communications that he has sent in the last 2.5 months which have been a lot. The current book I am reading now is an introduction into channeling which has been very helpful in quieting our minds so that we can connect more with our loved one(s).

    Crysta Icore said:
    August 31, 2012 at 8:55 am

    This post made me smile. I am right there with you.. looking for something, anything, one moment to know that there is more than this.. more than pain! Writing helps, writing is the place where you can just be as freaking crazy as you want to be and nobody questions why you are rambling about ducks while wearing your daughter’s My little Pony slippers. You are simply being an eclectic artist!

      Val responded:
      September 1, 2012 at 9:54 pm

      Thank you for your comment. I am glad that I was able to make you smile. I like the thought of being an eclectic artist. :)When the pain comes, whether from an illness or tragic event, we become searchers. We search for cures, answers to what our purpose may be or why us; we search for others who will listen to our story and simply understand . My defense mechanism up until now has been to forget in order to shield myself from the pain. I write now because I don’t want to forget.

        Crysta Icore said:
        September 2, 2012 at 9:17 am

        You are amazing. Never forget that!

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