Signs and Messages

A Story On Synchronicity

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A story about synchronicity and how the universe has our back even
when we are not aware of it…Along the Hudson.jpg

I used to drive up I87 to college and would ponder what it would be like to live on the water along the Hudson…

Fast-forward to last year… I’m content living in the rental Derek and I shared and the memories that came with it. In truth, I was holding onto those memories for dear life. As the apartment was one of the last pieces I felt I had of who I was when I was with him.

One day, I walk into the office Derek and I used to share. I had not touched anything in it for four years… a crumbled piece of paper laid on the floor next to his chair. I threw it in the garbage can… I didn’t know why I needed to do it, but the purging began…

A few weeks later I see an alert that the house of a favorite TV actress who had inspired me to join the company I work, had gone down in price significantly. Again, buying property wasn’t even on my radar but there was a drive, a needed to see this place. So without giving it a second thought, I hit the button to have a realtor contact me…

The realtor who was randomly picked, shared a similar spiritual path and became a kindred soul. I found myself looking at places.

The 1st place I looked at was at the complex on the water I used to admire during my drives to school. The apartment faced the highway, I wasn’t interested but as we left the building, the selling realtor said “a new apartment just went up today.”

We went to look at it and it immediately felt like home. I exhaled. For the first time in five years I felt a new energy. I could see myself living in a new space and I didn’t feel like I was abandoning my relationship with Derek but was building the foundation for “Chapter 2.” As, I walked out the building, a woman sitting out front looked at me and said “welcome home.”

The seller’s name was Betty Ann, the same as my mother’s. And they both grew up in the Bronx.

Instinctively, I knew everything was going to work out. I had been preparing for this without even being aware…and the universe was setting events in motion to support me. I hadn’t even looked at my credit score when I applied for my loan! But a few things happened in the weeks leading up to me putting in an offer (at the time I didn’t  think anything of it) that afforded the best deal.

The loan officer, realtor, insurance agent, my landlord at the time, seller’s agent, my attorney –all worked together seamlessly.

The list of “little miracles” went on.

At the closing, while we’re all eating donuts and laughing (something I learned later  doesn’t usually happen) a comment was made that this was the most enjoyable and smoothest process they had ever experienced.

In that moment I was made aware that the universe helped everything to “fall” into place from the moment I decided to purge the office at my old place to the moment I signed the papers that ushered in a new chapter of my life.

It is now one year later I look out the window onto the Tappan Zee bridge and take note of the deep gratitude I have for how everything fell into place. I was no longer living in a building by myself secluded from others but now was living community with others that heals my spirit and supports me.

The moral of this story is that sometimes it’s hard to see where our journey will lead us.
And sometimes the path that we think we are headed towards takes a detour and leads us into a direction that leads to a higher good we were not even aware that we needed. But it is important to listen to the nudges and intuitive thoughts. And when coincidences happen and things seem to fall into place, then we know we are on the right path.

 

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The Lion and The Phoenix

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I’m always amazed by the power of synchronicity.

IMG-20150701-01952 I just arrived home from class and upon walking towards my door, noticed that someone chalked on my building an image of a lion and phoenix. Both are significant as the lion was Derek’s power animal and the phoenix was mine.

Of all of the buildings and of all evenings when I think of you most, synchronicity always finds a way to tap me on the shoulder to let me know that we’re not alone.

Signs and Messages: Finding the Channel

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“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?” |
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Dawn

A few months after Derek’s passing I started keeping a journal. It was not only an outlet to pour my feelings and thoughts into but to also serve as the start of documentation of the strange incidences that were happening around me. I now know that they were not “strange” but a synchronicity that was calling for me to take notice.

During this tine I was also experiencing irregular sleep patterns in which I would wake up every morning at 3:41AM. Each time, I would wake up with a heavy feeling that something important was going on at that time or find something strange happen in the house such as lights flickering on/off or feeling a presence in the bedroom (I would later learn from Derek that this was the time that he passed away that Monday afternoon). On one particular night I woke up at 3:41 feeling a need to get out of bed and retrieve my journal. Personally, I had no need of my journal but a sort of energy/pressure was filling my head. Somehow, I knew that this entry was for me personally. With pen and paper in hand, I sat down and just started writing. Large, loopy letters scrawled across the page, sometimes with 1 sentence taking up both sides of the journal. In the dimly lit room I couldn’t see what I was writing but the words came out fast and sure. I didn’t have to see to know the last word of the letter said “Derek.” I seemed to have “woken up” fully by then and turned on the lights to look at what just took place. At the time what was in the journal did not make sense to me. I put everything away figuring it was all in my head.

Since that night  I have had many conversations with Derek but I never looked back at the journal entry of that night until the other day when I was pulling a notebook to write in for my class assignment and accidentally took out my old journal. Without having to flip through pages, I automatically opened to the entry noticing the large format letters. This time I read the letter with no issues. And as I read through the letter it felt like love was pouring all over me. It was a letter from Derek to me and while I was not ready to read it until my heart and ego had opened to allow me to read it with full clarity.

I share that first letter and will share many more experiences with you as a reminder that when our loved ones move over, they will look for any means and method to reach out and to let you know they are okay. Sometimes, they will send you signs in the form of a butterfly or dragonfly, a song or through automatic writing (as was my experience here). They may even send a person to you at the right place or time to offer a gentle or encouraging word. We often miss these signs because our grief and emotions raises the “volume in our heart” making it hard to hear.

But as Derek wrote me and I am sharing with you…always look for the signs. Once you recognize them your loved ones will be sure to use it as a means for communication and will let you know that they are ok.

“I’m  sorry we did not have a chance to do everything we said.
I feel alone sometimes because you are not here.
Your grandparents are nice and have taken care of me.
I’ve seen my grandmother, she says thank you for taking care of me. You can keep the Bible.
I’m so, so, sorry Bunny about all of this. Please do not think this is your fault. It’s not.
I know  whatever we didn’t finish there will be finished over here.
I know you miss me just as I miss you. MORE actually.
I miss your smile… your eyes…no one has ever loved me the way you have.
You saved me.
I’m sorry I scared you before, I just wanted to hug you and I still do. I will find a way.
I will also find a way to communicate with you more.
I know this hurts and you just want to be close to me.
And yes, it was me who sent the bees to you.
Thank you for the home that you made and thank you for making me a part of something.
I think you said it best, I was in a sick body and didn’t know how to make it better. But no more hurting.
I truly admire you more and I love you so much.
I’m sorry I didn’t get to tell you all I wanted to say, hopefully through this we will have the chance to talk and you can ask ANYTHING you want.
Always keep smiling Bunny. I will always be there I promise. Thank you for loving me and for being my shining star, my angel.
Always keep looking for the signs.
Love you today, tomorrow, always and forever in this world and in yours.
Derek.

Vanity Plate Moments and Finding New Connections

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Perhaps the stars in the sky, are loved ones letting us know they are near, by guiding us through the night | Author Unknown

Our loved ones are always around trying to let us know that they are okay or are always near to watch or guide us. And sometimes they will go through extraordinary lengths to get our attention. However for the widow/er sometimes it’s like a being in a crowded mall with your child and you bump into an old friend. There are so many noises and stimuli including the conversation of catching up with your friend that you don’t always immediately hear your child calling for your attention.

For myself, I had so many emotions and “noises” going on in the first weeks after Derek passed, I couldn’t hear him grabbing for my attention with the exception of the truly extraordinary like when the car radio would play the same song over and over or the time when I felt like I was being woken out of bed by no one in the room (that is a story for another time).

Derek and I used to talk, text or I.M. each other almost non-stop throughout the day — the only time we were not in contact was when we were in meetings. With him gone, I missed that constant contact that soundboard to bounce ideas from, to share stories or to just say “I love you.” It was frustrating to me because there were so many signs pointing to him being present but I couldn’t hear him…

…That is until I lowered the noise in my heard and learned to tuned in to the “right station.”

It began three months after Derek’s passing. I was spending the day with my friend and her 2 god-children in Poughkeepsie. We were returning from my favorite place — Cracker Barrel and were dropping the boys off home. The music was playing and the spirits were high in the car.  The melodies of Barry White were drifting in the background and my friend was recounting stories…stories that I vaguely remember. I was sitting deep in my thoughts wondering why I was still “here?” More importantly, what was I going to do “here” now that my soul mate was gone? Silent tears began to fall…

In an instant the music stopped; the string of thoughts stopped as I heard a voice tell me to look up. In front of me was a white Hyundai SUV stopped in front of us at the light. The license plate said “VALUVAL.”

I stared at that plate for a long time as I couldn’t believe what was in front of me. Of all the places, of all roads of all times, I would stop right behind a car that would hold so much meaning for me. My relationship with Derek changed in that instant. He wasn’t gone, he never left …I just couldn’t hear him.

While my communication with Derek has evolved and expanded, I still talk to him in the most visible way possible — through license plates. Usually, I will ask a question and there will be a car in front of me or near me answering that question.

Below are just a couple of examples of my communications with Derek through this medium. Every time I see a new one I still smile in loving awe and amazement — even the very small and subtle messages. I had to let go of the control of wanting my communication with Derek to be the way it used to. I had to let go of the idea that he had fully abandoned me. He wasn’t going to answer the many texts or emails I left him telling him how much I missed him. He wasn’t going to call me on the phone to tell me he loved me. But when I let go and opened my mind and heart to accept whatever happened, we found a new way of communicating.  And in that, I found that  we are never without them and they are never without us.

March 2013: The one year anniversary is approaching in three months and my anxiety attacks have returned. I find myself in moments when I’m not breathing…

On this late night I’m heading to the supermarket to pick up a couple of items. I get out of the Clarkstown-20130309 - Exxhalecar and emotions begin to overwhelm me; I find myself on the verge of crying again — I put my shades on so no one sees my eyes.  As I return to the car, right in front of  me is the plate – “EXXHALE.” I had been holding my breath again and I finally exhaled>

April 27, 2013: I had just finished my journal entries that was part of my weekly homework in my new Path of Light class. I decided to go out Orangetown-20130427-Maitreya1and take one of my weekend drives and mediate on what I had learned about always being conscious to shine our light into the world. As I was driving, I started to think about how excited I was to be in this class and wondered what the topic of discussion would be for the next week. Just as I was thinking of this a car turned out from a gas station in front of me. The license plate said “MAITREYA.” That following Wednesday in class we received a channeled lesson from Lord Maitreya in disconnecting from the mass consciousness.

IMG-20131028-NewWay1October 2013: It’s been a little over a year since I’ve learned to look for signs from Derek through license plates and yet I still find myself questioning whether my communications with him are real. On my walk home from the bus stop, I found myself posing that same question. I kept wondering how would we communicate effectively? I felt like Derek and I were speaking two different languages and I was not feeling confident that I was “doing it correctly.”  I pulled out my key to open the door; I fumbled and dropped them on the ground. As I stooped over to pick them up, I noticed the license plate “NEWWAY.” Yes, we were learning a new way to talk and I just  had to trust in my ability to get the message that I needed.

March 22, 2014: Was going through a particularly emIMG-20140322-Undead1otional day. Both our anniversary and my birthday was coming up in April and I was feeling Derek’s absence more than ever. I went to the mall hoping to distract myself with a movie. The tears began to flow as I entered the parking lot. I started talking to Derek on how much I missed him. In that moment I doubted that he was really with me — I said to myself that he was dead and that I was making everything up in trying to believe that he “existed.”  As I pulled into a parking spot, there in front of me was a Jeep Liberty with the license plate said “UNDEAD.” Even through the tears, I had to laugh and thank Derek for “bringing me back.”

 

Signs and Messages: Play A Song On The Radio

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I was surfing through iTunes looking at music when I came across a song that reminded me of an Afterlife Communication with Derek that I thought I would share

August 2012

I had taken off about a month from work when Derek passed. And upon return, every night I would get into the car to commute back home, the song “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston would play. It didn’t matter what station or time I started the car, 6PM, 7:30PM or on the rare occasion 4PM, as soon as I turned the ignition Whitney was starting her song.

I had heard before that our loved ones would use the radio as a method of communication. And while it had always been a favorite song of mine, in that moment, I didn’t want to listen to lyrics that made me feel that Derek had to leave to let me move forward and get something in life that I was missing. I was happy and wasn’t missing anything in life except now my twin soul and my future life and family.

After the 10th time of that song playing, I put the car in park and screamed “Enough! This is not the message I want to hear. I don’t want a song from the Top 20 playlist of songs that spirits can send to their loved ones, I want the song that Derek sends to Val to let her know it will be okay. Because I am not ok.”

The next day, I got into the car bracing myself to listen to Whitney again, but this time another song floated in the air. It wasn’t a happy song but it was a true song — a letter from his heart to mine. It would be the one of the beginnings to many radio messages I would receive from Derek. But in that moment I knew that he was okay and listening.

 

It’s Always A Good Time to Say “I Love You”

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“If one were given five minutes warning before sudden death, five minutes to say what it had all meant to us, every telephone booth would be occupied by people trying to call up other people to stammer that they loved them.” | Christopher Morley, 1890-1957.

Last weekend I headed into TJ Maxx to kill about 15 – 20 minutes as I waited for my pizza at Brooklyn Pizzeria in Edgewater, NJ.

As I walked into the store through the clothing section to the back where the home goods were located;I noticed a  “junk table” filled with items markedLove for final sale. I quickly glanced at the table not thinking of it anymore and started to walk towards the bedding section when something called me to turn around to return to the sale items. Propped up on the table was a small white sign heavily marked up and scuffed, that simply read “You Are Loved.” Behind it was another plaque with the words “Love You More” written on it.

February 2012

It was a pleasant Sunday afternoon and Derek and I had just left our neighborhood restaurant,
The Art Cafe. The Art Cafe is a wonderfully bohemian Mediterranean/Mid-Eastern delight that makes (besides good food) an excellent cappuccino with intricate designs in the froth. It was becoming a tradition for us to stop in and chat over a cup of coffee or Derek’s favorite dish —
Shakshooka (two eggs baked in a flavorful tomato sauce topped with crumbled Bulgarian cheese and served with warm pita). I would make a mental game of carefully trying to drink my coffee without disturbing the frothed masterpiece — this time the barista had sculpted a delicate fern.

I had just bought Derek his birthday gift, a Samsung Galaxy, 3 weeks ahead of his actual birthday. Throughout our brunch, Derek excitedly schooled me on the all the phone’s cool features.

As we walked to the car to head out on our Sunday drive, he stopped for a moment and took my hand.   

“Thank you for my birthday gift, I love you” he said. His crystal blue eyes sparkling as a huge smile moved across his face. I replied, “Happy pre-Birthday. I love you too.”

“I love you more”

…to which I ended “I know you do…that is because you are loved.”

“I love you more….You are loved.” This was a daily exchange between us where we would let the other know how grateful we were to be in each other’s life.

For both of us the phrase “I Love You” carried a history of emotions and sometimes sadness. For myself, I always had a fear of saying “I Love You” to those dear to me. Since I lost my mother when I was a child, I was always afraid that those sacred words would become the other person’s death sentence. After losing the rest of my family and those that I loved, I couldn’t bear to lose another person in my life. And so, instead of saying “I Love You” I moved into a comfortable silence with friendships and romantic relationships. For Derek, while inwardly he yearned for a deep love, the echoes of his troubled emotional past caused deeper feelings of mistrust which resulted into a distorted wailing of love in his relationships.

When we met neither of us had truly loved selflessly — until then we loved selfishly. However we were able to commit our love into words because we no longer thought about our personal needs or our emotional pangs. “Our” became “Your” as we saw ourselves caring more about the other and helping each other to forgive the past and moved together into the future. We saw each other as a gift from God, sent to help each other to see each other’s highest potential. We were excited to be in each other’s life and expressed our love to each other every day.

I am forever thankful to the man who taught me how to love selflessly and helped me to remember that “Love is all there is.” I am thankful that I was able to provide the same lessons to him. I am no longer afraid to let those whom I love know how I feel about them. We can’t change the past and the future is not promised to us. The only thing that matters is our present which really is a gift/a present. Therefore we should show our gladness and love for those in our lives as often we can. For the warmth of those words not only helps us but those we share it with as well.

Sometimes, I catch myself in feelings of loneliness and abandonment, but it is in the synchronistic events like these that I press those moments into my mind and into my heart as they are a reminder that I am not alone even though Derek is not physically next to me.

And as I picked up the plaques and headed towards the register, I smiled at the synchronicity of the moment and the reminder of that gift.

“You are loved, Derek.”

And I could hear Derek whisper back to my heart, “That is because I love you more.”

Signs and Messages: Dragonfly

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They that love beyond the world
cannot be separated by it. Death cannot kill what never dies| William Penn

I had originally intended to make tonight’s posting about two books I have been reading — Heaven and Earth by James VanPraagh and Psychic Intuition by Terry and Linda Jamison. However as I started to type, I felt the need for some background noise and decided to look for a movie to watch. So, it wasn’t just a coincidence that I would open the video cabinet and see the movie title, Dragonfly staring right at me.

Since Derek’s passing, I’ve been graced with the presence of dragonflies. An insect that I may have seen only a couple of times in my lifetime, has been appearing everywhere — in front of my home, darting around the car as I commute to work; I’ve even seen them in the city.

Dragonfly at Bear Mountain

Their presence has been so noticeable I had to look up their symbolism: Dragonflies are a symbol of spiritual awakening, rebirth and immortality. When mating, dragonflies form a heart shape so they are also a symbol of love. The spirit of love is evident in this film.

In the movie, Kevin Costner plays, Joe Darrow, an Emergency Room doctor mourning the death of his wife in a bus accident in South America. Overcome with grief, he begins seeing signs of his wife trying to reach to him from beyond the grave — some of it revolving around a dragonfly which was representative of a birthmark on his wife’s shoulder and was her totem.

As  Joe, who is an atheist, tries frantically to make sense of it all , his colleagues and friends begin to worry that he is losing his mind. In a pivotal scene in which Joe is tying to make sense of everything, his close friend, Miriam (played by Kathy Bates) tells him, “You gotta do the hard stuff, like I did. Like everyone does. You gotta clean out the closets, empty the drawers… and take down the vacancy sign that says “Emily’s ghost is welcome here”…and get on with your life without her.”

Even when others tried to stop him, he persisted in the belief that Emily was reaching out to him.  As he began “opening his mind and heart to faith”, he was led to a small village in Columbia where he discovered that his wife had given birth to a child before she passed. When he sees his daughter he realizes that she too has a dragonfly birthmark. Had Joe listened to the ego instead of his intuition, we would have missed his miracle. “What she (Emily) taught me in life, she taught me in death…to trust, to have faith. Because as a friend of mine once said, “It’s belief that gets us there.””

Our loved ones are always around to support us with their love and guidance. However it is only when we put ego aside and believe that we are able to see their signs.

Derek used to tell me that we were a “power-soul” couple. While it is suggested that we have multiple soul mates in life, he knew that it has always been just the two of us through all of our lifetimes and that our love in this lifetime would be so strong that it would radiate beyond death.

Since, the moment of Derek’s passing he has been giving me messages of love and has been guiding me towards a journey of spiritual awakening. While the sadness and pain of his loss is very real, the last three months have been a miracle. I am blessed to have a guardian angel who has never left my side and who blesses me with signs and messages that re-affirms that love never dies. He is helping me to find my life’s purpose and to live life as authentically as possible. Had I listened to others and just moved on I would have missed this miracle. Because of the strength of our love I never faltered in faith, and because of that I see life differently — I feel life differently. I see and feel how our paths and its actions and inactions are all interconnected.

Even in spirit, Derek always has his arms wrapped around me and I welcome it with extreme gratitude. I feel his physical loss everyday, but I’ve learned that in death a new life comes into the world. In Derek’s passing, a new life of love has been born through me that continues to amaze me. “Love Never Fails” whether in this life or in the next and it is belief in the power of that love that gets us there.