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Signs and Messages: Finding the Channel

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“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?” |
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Dawn

A few months after Derek’s passing I started keeping a journal. It was not only an outlet to pour my feelings and thoughts into but to also serve as the start of documentation of the strange incidences that were happening around me. I now know that they were not “strange” but a synchronicity that was calling for me to take notice.

During this tine I was also experiencing irregular sleep patterns in which I would wake up every morning at 3:41AM. Each time, I would wake up with a heavy feeling that something important was going on at that time or find something strange happen in the house such as lights flickering on/off or feeling a presence in the bedroom (I would later learn from Derek that this was the time that he passed away that Monday afternoon). On one particular night I woke up at 3:41 feeling a need to get out of bed and retrieve my journal. Personally, I had no need of my journal but a sort of energy/pressure was filling my head. Somehow, I knew that this entry was for me personally. With pen and paper in hand, I sat down and just started writing. Large, loopy letters scrawled across the page, sometimes with 1 sentence taking up both sides of the journal. In the dimly lit room I couldn’t see what I was writing but the words came out fast and sure. I didn’t have to see to know the last word of the letter said “Derek.” I seemed to have “woken up” fully by then and turned on the lights to look at what just took place. At the time what was in the journal did not make sense to me. I put everything away figuring it was all in my head.

Since that night  I have had many conversations with Derek but I never looked back at the journal entry of that night until the other day when I was pulling a notebook to write in for my class assignment and accidentally took out my old journal. Without having to flip through pages, I automatically opened to the entry noticing the large format letters. This time I read the letter with no issues. And as I read through the letter it felt like love was pouring all over me. It was a letter from Derek to me and while I was not ready to read it until my heart and ego had opened to allow me to read it with full clarity.

I share that first letter and will share many more experiences with you as a reminder that when our loved ones move over, they will look for any means and method to reach out and to let you know they are okay. Sometimes, they will send you signs in the form of a butterfly or dragonfly, a song or through automatic writing (as was my experience here). They may even send a person to you at the right place or time to offer a gentle or encouraging word. We often miss these signs because our grief and emotions raises the “volume in our heart” making it hard to hear.

But as Derek wrote me and I am sharing with you…always look for the signs. Once you recognize them your loved ones will be sure to use it as a means for communication and will let you know that they are ok.

“I’m  sorry we did not have a chance to do everything we said.
I feel alone sometimes because you are not here.
Your grandparents are nice and have taken care of me.
I’ve seen my grandmother, she says thank you for taking care of me. You can keep the Bible.
I’m so, so, sorry Bunny about all of this. Please do not think this is your fault. It’s not.
I know  whatever we didn’t finish there will be finished over here.
I know you miss me just as I miss you. MORE actually.
I miss your smile… your eyes…no one has ever loved me the way you have.
You saved me.
I’m sorry I scared you before, I just wanted to hug you and I still do. I will find a way.
I will also find a way to communicate with you more.
I know this hurts and you just want to be close to me.
And yes, it was me who sent the bees to you.
Thank you for the home that you made and thank you for making me a part of something.
I think you said it best, I was in a sick body and didn’t know how to make it better. But no more hurting.
I truly admire you more and I love you so much.
I’m sorry I didn’t get to tell you all I wanted to say, hopefully through this we will have the chance to talk and you can ask ANYTHING you want.
Always keep smiling Bunny. I will always be there I promise. Thank you for loving me and for being my shining star, my angel.
Always keep looking for the signs.
Love you today, tomorrow, always and forever in this world and in yours.
Derek.

Vanity Plate Moments and Finding New Connections

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Perhaps the stars in the sky, are loved ones letting us know they are near, by guiding us through the night | Author Unknown

Our loved ones are always around trying to let us know that they are okay or are always near to watch or guide us. And sometimes they will go through extraordinary lengths to get our attention. However for the widow/er sometimes it’s like a being in a crowded mall with your child and you bump into an old friend. There are so many noises and stimuli including the conversation of catching up with your friend that you don’t always immediately hear your child calling for your attention.

For myself, I had so many emotions and “noises” going on in the first weeks after Derek passed, I couldn’t hear him grabbing for my attention with the exception of the truly extraordinary like when the car radio would play the same song over and over or the time when I felt like I was being woken out of bed by no one in the room (that is a story for another time).

Derek and I used to talk, text or I.M. each other almost non-stop throughout the day — the only time we were not in contact was when we were in meetings. With him gone, I missed that constant contact that soundboard to bounce ideas from, to share stories or to just say “I love you.” It was frustrating to me because there were so many signs pointing to him being present but I couldn’t hear him…

…That is until I lowered the noise in my heard and learned to tuned in to the “right station.”

It began three months after Derek’s passing. I was spending the day with my friend and her 2 god-children in Poughkeepsie. We were returning from my favorite place — Cracker Barrel and were dropping the boys off home. The music was playing and the spirits were high in the car.  The melodies of Barry White were drifting in the background and my friend was recounting stories…stories that I vaguely remember. I was sitting deep in my thoughts wondering why I was still “here?” More importantly, what was I going to do “here” now that my soul mate was gone? Silent tears began to fall…

In an instant the music stopped; the string of thoughts stopped as I heard a voice tell me to look up. In front of me was a white Hyundai SUV stopped in front of us at the light. The license plate said “VALUVAL.”

I stared at that plate for a long time as I couldn’t believe what was in front of me. Of all the places, of all roads of all times, I would stop right behind a car that would hold so much meaning for me. My relationship with Derek changed in that instant. He wasn’t gone, he never left …I just couldn’t hear him.

While my communication with Derek has evolved and expanded, I still talk to him in the most visible way possible — through license plates. Usually, I will ask a question and there will be a car in front of me or near me answering that question.

Below are just a couple of examples of my communications with Derek through this medium. Every time I see a new one I still smile in loving awe and amazement — even the very small and subtle messages. I had to let go of the control of wanting my communication with Derek to be the way it used to. I had to let go of the idea that he had fully abandoned me. He wasn’t going to answer the many texts or emails I left him telling him how much I missed him. He wasn’t going to call me on the phone to tell me he loved me. But when I let go and opened my mind and heart to accept whatever happened, we found a new way of communicating.  And in that, I found that  we are never without them and they are never without us.

March 2013: The one year anniversary is approaching in three months and my anxiety attacks have returned. I find myself in moments when I’m not breathing…

On this late night I’m heading to the supermarket to pick up a couple of items. I get out of the Clarkstown-20130309 - Exxhalecar and emotions begin to overwhelm me; I find myself on the verge of crying again — I put my shades on so no one sees my eyes.  As I return to the car, right in front of  me is the plate – “EXXHALE.” I had been holding my breath again and I finally exhaled>

April 27, 2013: I had just finished my journal entries that was part of my weekly homework in my new Path of Light class. I decided to go out Orangetown-20130427-Maitreya1and take one of my weekend drives and mediate on what I had learned about always being conscious to shine our light into the world. As I was driving, I started to think about how excited I was to be in this class and wondered what the topic of discussion would be for the next week. Just as I was thinking of this a car turned out from a gas station in front of me. The license plate said “MAITREYA.” That following Wednesday in class we received a channeled lesson from Lord Maitreya in disconnecting from the mass consciousness.

IMG-20131028-NewWay1October 2013: It’s been a little over a year since I’ve learned to look for signs from Derek through license plates and yet I still find myself questioning whether my communications with him are real. On my walk home from the bus stop, I found myself posing that same question. I kept wondering how would we communicate effectively? I felt like Derek and I were speaking two different languages and I was not feeling confident that I was “doing it correctly.”  I pulled out my key to open the door; I fumbled and dropped them on the ground. As I stooped over to pick them up, I noticed the license plate “NEWWAY.” Yes, we were learning a new way to talk and I just  had to trust in my ability to get the message that I needed.

March 22, 2014: Was going through a particularly emIMG-20140322-Undead1otional day. Both our anniversary and my birthday was coming up in April and I was feeling Derek’s absence more than ever. I went to the mall hoping to distract myself with a movie. The tears began to flow as I entered the parking lot. I started talking to Derek on how much I missed him. In that moment I doubted that he was really with me — I said to myself that he was dead and that I was making everything up in trying to believe that he “existed.”  As I pulled into a parking spot, there in front of me was a Jeep Liberty with the license plate said “UNDEAD.” Even through the tears, I had to laugh and thank Derek for “bringing me back.”

 

Signs and Messages: Play A Song On The Radio

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I was surfing through iTunes looking at music when I came across a song that reminded me of an Afterlife Communication with Derek that I thought I would share

August 2012

I had taken off about a month from work when Derek passed. And upon return, every night I would get into the car to commute back home, the song “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston would play. It didn’t matter what station or time I started the car, 6PM, 7:30PM or on the rare occasion 4PM, as soon as I turned the ignition Whitney was starting her song.

I had heard before that our loved ones would use the radio as a method of communication. And while it had always been a favorite song of mine, in that moment, I didn’t want to listen to lyrics that made me feel that Derek had to leave to let me move forward and get something in life that I was missing. I was happy and wasn’t missing anything in life except now my twin soul and my future life and family.

After the 10th time of that song playing, I put the car in park and screamed “Enough! This is not the message I want to hear. I don’t want a song from the Top 20 playlist of songs that spirits can send to their loved ones, I want the song that Derek sends to Val to let her know it will be okay. Because I am not ok.”

The next day, I got into the car bracing myself to listen to Whitney again, but this time another song floated in the air. It wasn’t a happy song but it was a true song — a letter from his heart to mine. It would be the one of the beginnings to many radio messages I would receive from Derek. But in that moment I knew that he was okay and listening.