ALightintheChaos

The Mountain

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My mind is in a sacred place today.

Today marks six years without you.

I just bought a new oracle deck – Postcards from Spirit.

I asked Derek and Spirit to guide me with a message for today.

“Over here there is no mystery for us to unravel, as we know intimately how connected we all are…That said, can you feel the importance of these currents of energy that bring events together in miraculous ways? …Surrender to the mystery and have faith that the unseen world is watching you with loving eyes as Spirit weaves your life’s mysterious and beautiful tapestry in glorious Technicolor. Loving you so much, as always…”

Life has taken many twists and turns. But I’ve been able to feel the energy shift over the last few years.

I’ve a climbed mountain that has had some landslides, rocky paths, and sharp cliffs.

But it has also produced some on the most interesting paths, hidden caves that have taken me to the depth of my soul and emotions and breath-taking vistas.

All of these things I wouldn’t have seen if I didn’t climb the mountain.

I have lost so much but have gained so much in return.

I lost my health and found it again.

I lost friends and but found people who became my “sistars” and brothers and soul family.

I’ve had moments where I felt lost within my story and myself…I found my strength, my inner goddess and connected with parts of myself that have been hiding for as long as I can remember.

In the cycle of grief we lose and find ourselves. Over and over again.

I sometimes find that I like to hide in the quiet spaces – the space in between. Those places where time stands still and I do not have to be faced with the realization that you are not here with me.

But when I am ready I come from hiding and I keep climbing the mountain, to strengthen, to be inspired, to live.

When I climb, I remember who I am.

I remember why I am here.

When I climb I become inspired and less afraid of the unknown.

I reclaim those feelings of joy and happiness that I felt when I was with you.

I become comfortable in my skin and aware of things that I didn’t know I had the ability to do.

I love myself.

I am in gratitude.

I see my accomplishments – which are many.

I celebrate and love deeply those who handed me what I needed while I climb.

To the friends who IM’d me every day because they knew that he would have.

To those who saved my life after he died.

To my soulmate who takes a day off from work every year to walk the path with me on his anniversary.

To those who love me.

I also celebrate me.

And for those who have a mountain to climb. Take the time to celebrate you too.

The people who support you, love you.

The paths that will connect you to deep and meaningful parts of yourself.

The new experiences and beautiful vistas that leave lasting memories.

And know that our beautiful souls in spirit are walking with us along the way…celebrating and cheering us on.

With love and Thank you Derek for cheering me on.

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Top image: © Songdech Kothmongkol | Dreamstime.com
Bottom image: Derek at Arden’s Point, NY
 
 
 

The Messenger

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I experience each holiday differently. Some years I’ve been able to immerse myself into group festivities of merrymaking and some years I retreat into comforting activities Derek and I used to share such as making crafts or going on long drives and enjoying the beauty of the season.

I am in a retreat year.

But the one constant is that Derek always finds a way to let me know on Christmas Day that he is thinking of me.

This year he sent his message by way of my cousin. Kin2C

Christmas Eve, I was running errands and saw the license plate “Kin2C.”

Knowing that license plates are always a portal of communication for me, I sent a last minute invite to my two cousins and brother to come over for pizza and to make holiday cookies.

We do not spend time together so it was nice playing video games, making batches of cookies and enjoying each other’s company.

At the end of the night, my cousins gave me a bag of goodies which included a cute wallet, slippers and a shirt. I smiled at the beautiful gift and feel asleep.

It wasn’t until Christmas morning I realized what the tag of the shirt said. 20171227_103942

Our loved ones are constantly around us letting us know that they love us and are never far away. In this instance Derek used synchronicity/”happy coincidence” of the license plate and an unknowing messenger (my cousin) to send me a reminder that love never dies.

As I receive these moment of comfort, I wish you too peace and comfort in the signs that you receive during the holiday season and through the new year.

IN LOVE & LIGHT
VAL

Gift-wrapped image by @ Alena Kratovich

 

 

 

 

 

GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO CELEBRATE THE HOLIDAYS THE WAY YOU WANT TO

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I’m listening to the radio and the host mentioned how excited she is for Thanksgiving to be coming up next week. I didn’t even realize how quickly it came up.

Before, I would have had my Thanksgiving Day reservation made at Boulevard Five72 and a complete menu for the day after Thanksgiving all prepared by November 1st!

Now, the holidays approach like a regular day for me and I can almost slip through it unnoticed – until the invites come flooding in from friends asking for me to celebrate with them.

Of course I am always grateful, but the holidays after a loss is hard.

Even when you are surrounded by loving family and friends, sometimes it’s still not the same.

Through the smiles and laughter, there are times when a deep sadness peeps through and I wish I was home surrounded by what was familiar.

So, all of this is to say that I know that for some, the holidays may not be easy to navigate. In fact it may be downright hard.

I’ve come to realize that while the holidays will not be the same – some years will be good, some passable and some not so good – I had to give myself permission to do the holidays my way.

I focus on one day at a time and allow myself to do what makes me feel good, even if it means not following the expectations of what others may want me to do.

Every year, Derek and I engaged in our own holiday traditions. One of those would be to go to Bethlehem, PA to look at the Christmas lights and watch Santa ride through town on his Clydesdale-drawn sleigh.

I had a need to continue the tradition even though he was not physically here – so one morning, I just got into the car and drove to PA. The experience was different as it wasn’t during the night as I was used to doing. I also didn’t see Santa, but funnily enough I ended up having a good time exploring the Christmas shops and museums. I let go of expectations and gave myself permission to experience the tradition in a different way.

There are no expectations for you to be able to get through every day smiling and happy and that is ok even if others do not understand.

SO GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO DO WHATEVER  YOU NEED TO DO TO GET THROUGH THE COMING WEEKS.

If you want to stay in and create a voice message that says you are “Out of the Office”–
do it.

Book a trip for the holidays or indulge in something that makes you happy.

Leave a party early or not attend at all.

Or cry.

Give yourself permission to let the energy flow however you need it to.

YOU DO NOT NEED TO PLEASE EVERYONE
AND KNOW THAT EACH YEAR WILL BE DIFFERENT.

I used to go to South Carolina to spend the holidays with my best friend and her family. The warm weather and running after my nieces would help me to reset.

This Thanksgiving is a toss-up of spending it with friends or taking an impromptu trip up north. Or I may make lavender and white chocolate cocoa, put on my favorite sweats and binge watch movies.

For Christmas, I always hold an annual Cookie Swap party in early December. However, this year, I have not given a single thought to the actual day and that is ok. Whatever I decide on, I know it will be what I want to do to make me happy. It will be what my soul needs.

SO YOUR MISSION – IF YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT – IS TO DO EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT TO DO,  WHATEVER MAKES YOU HAPPY OR CONTENT. THAT’S ALL THAT YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT. ♥

Sending love and light always.

Val

 

RECIPE FOR LAVENDER & WHITE CHOCOLATE COCOA
Combine all of these ingredients into a small container to use whenever you want this indulgent treat.

¼ cup powdered milk
½ cup vanilla pudding mix
1 cup white chocolate, shaved
2 tbsp lavender

In a small saucepan, add ¼ cup of the Hot Chocolate Mixture into 1 ¼ cups of milk. Stir until heated through and the chocolate has melted.

Strain to remove the lavender and Enjoy!

Image by © Andreaobzerova

A Story On Synchronicity

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A story about synchronicity and how the universe has our back even
when we are not aware of it…Along the Hudson.jpg

I used to drive up I87 to college and would ponder what it would be like to live on the water along the Hudson…

Fast-forward to last year… I’m content living in the rental Derek and I shared and the memories that came with it. In truth, I was holding onto those memories for dear life. As the apartment was one of the last pieces I felt I had of who I was when I was with him.

One day, I walk into the office Derek and I used to share. I had not touched anything in it for four years… a crumbled piece of paper laid on the floor next to his chair. I threw it in the garbage can… I didn’t know why I needed to do it, but the purging began…

A few weeks later I see an alert that the house of a favorite TV actress who had inspired me to join the company I work, had gone down in price significantly. Again, buying property wasn’t even on my radar but there was a drive, a needed to see this place. So without giving it a second thought, I hit the button to have a realtor contact me…

The realtor who was randomly picked, shared a similar spiritual path and became a kindred soul. I found myself looking at places.

The 1st place I looked at was at the complex on the water I used to admire during my drives to school. The apartment faced the highway, I wasn’t interested but as we left the building, the selling realtor said “a new apartment just went up today.”

We went to look at it and it immediately felt like home. I exhaled. For the first time in five years I felt a new energy. I could see myself living in a new space and I didn’t feel like I was abandoning my relationship with Derek but was building the foundation for “Chapter 2.” As, I walked out the building, a woman sitting out front looked at me and said “welcome home.”

The seller’s name was Betty Ann, the same as my mother’s. And they both grew up in the Bronx.

Instinctively, I knew everything was going to work out. I had been preparing for this without even being aware…and the universe was setting events in motion to support me. I hadn’t even looked at my credit score when I applied for my loan! But a few things happened in the weeks leading up to me putting in an offer (at the time I didn’t  think anything of it) that afforded the best deal.

The loan officer, realtor, insurance agent, my landlord at the time, seller’s agent, my attorney –all worked together seamlessly.

The list of “little miracles” went on.

At the closing, while we’re all eating donuts and laughing (something I learned later  doesn’t usually happen) a comment was made that this was the most enjoyable and smoothest process they had ever experienced.

In that moment I was made aware that the universe helped everything to “fall” into place from the moment I decided to purge the office at my old place to the moment I signed the papers that ushered in a new chapter of my life.

It is now one year later I look out the window onto the Tappan Zee bridge and take note of the deep gratitude I have for how everything fell into place. I was no longer living in a building by myself secluded from others but now was living community with others that heals my spirit and supports me.

The moral of this story is that sometimes it’s hard to see where our journey will lead us.
And sometimes the path that we think we are headed towards takes a detour and leads us into a direction that leads to a higher good we were not even aware that we needed. But it is important to listen to the nudges and intuitive thoughts. And when coincidences happen and things seem to fall into place, then we know we are on the right path.

 

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You never need to go far. Blog post

The Lion and The Phoenix

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I’m always amazed by the power of synchronicity.

IMG-20150701-01952 I just arrived home from class and upon walking towards my door, noticed that someone chalked on my building an image of a lion and phoenix. Both are significant as the lion was Derek’s power animal and the phoenix was mine.

Of all of the buildings and of all evenings when I think of you most, synchronicity always finds a way to tap me on the shoulder to let me know that we’re not alone.

Signs and Messages: Play A Song On The Radio

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I was surfing through iTunes looking at music when I came across a song that reminded me of an Afterlife Communication with Derek that I thought I would share

August 2012

I had taken off about a month from work when Derek passed. And upon return, every night I would get into the car to commute back home, the song “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston would play. It didn’t matter what station or time I started the car, 6PM, 7:30PM or on the rare occasion 4PM, as soon as I turned the ignition Whitney was starting her song.

I had heard before that our loved ones would use the radio as a method of communication. And while it had always been a favorite song of mine, in that moment, I didn’t want to listen to lyrics that made me feel that Derek had to leave to let me move forward and get something in life that I was missing. I was happy and wasn’t missing anything in life except now my twin soul and my future life and family.

After the 10th time of that song playing, I put the car in park and screamed “Enough! This is not the message I want to hear. I don’t want a song from the Top 20 playlist of songs that spirits can send to their loved ones, I want the song that Derek sends to Val to let her know it will be okay. Because I am not ok.”

The next day, I got into the car bracing myself to listen to Whitney again, but this time another song floated in the air. It wasn’t a happy song but it was a true song — a letter from his heart to mine. It would be the one of the beginnings to many radio messages I would receive from Derek. But in that moment I knew that he was okay and listening.