My mind is in a sacred place today.
Today marks six years without you.
I just bought a new oracle deck – Postcards from Spirit.
I asked Derek and Spirit to guide me with a message for today.
“Over here there is no mystery for us to unravel, as we know intimately how connected we all are…That said, can you feel the importance of these currents of energy that bring events together in miraculous ways? …Surrender to the mystery and have faith that the unseen world is watching you with loving eyes as Spirit weaves your life’s mysterious and beautiful tapestry in glorious Technicolor. Loving you so much, as always…”
Life has taken many twists and turns. But I’ve been able to feel the energy shift over the last few years.
I’ve a climbed mountain that has had some landslides, rocky paths, and sharp cliffs.
But it has also produced some on the most interesting paths, hidden caves that have taken me to the depth of my soul and emotions and breath-taking vistas.
All of these things I wouldn’t have seen if I didn’t climb the mountain.
I have lost so much but have gained so much in return.
I lost my health and found it again.
I lost friends and but found people who became my “sistars” and brothers and soul family.
I’ve had moments where I felt lost within my story and myself…I found my strength, my inner goddess and connected with parts of myself that have been hiding for as long as I can remember.
In the cycle of grief we lose and find ourselves. Over and over again.
I sometimes find that I like to hide in the quiet spaces – the space in between. Those places where time stands still and I do not have to be faced with the realization that you are not here with me.
But when I am ready I come from hiding and I keep climbing the mountain, to strengthen, to be inspired, to live.
When I climb, I remember who I am.
I remember why I am here.
When I climb I become inspired and less afraid of the unknown.
I reclaim those feelings of joy and happiness that I felt when I was with you.
I become comfortable in my skin and aware of things that I didn’t know I had the ability to do.
I love myself.
I am in gratitude.
I see my accomplishments – which are many.
I celebrate and love deeply those who handed me what I needed while I climb.
To the friends who IM’d me every day because they knew that he would have.
To those who saved my life after he died.
To my soulmate who takes a day off from work every year to walk the path with me on his anniversary.
To those who love me.
I also celebrate me.
And for those who have a mountain to climb. Take the time to celebrate you too.
The people who support you, love you.
The paths that will connect you to deep and meaningful parts of yourself.
The new experiences and beautiful vistas that leave lasting memories.
And know that our beautiful souls in spirit are walking with us along the way…celebrating and cheering us on.
With love and Thank you Derek for cheering me on.
Bottom image: Derek at Arden’s Point, NY
I’m listening to the radio and the host mentioned how excited she is for Thanksgiving to be coming up next week. I didn’t even realize how quickly it came up.
Before, I would have had my Thanksgiving Day reservation made at Boulevard Five72 and a complete menu for the day after Thanksgiving all prepared by November 1st!
Now, the holidays approach like a regular day for me and I can almost slip through it unnoticed – until the invites come flooding in from friends asking for me to celebrate with them.
Of course I am always grateful, but the holidays after a loss is hard.
Even when you are surrounded by loving family and friends, sometimes it’s still not the same.
Through the smiles and laughter, there are times when a deep sadness peeps through and I wish I was home surrounded by what was familiar.
So, all of this is to say that I know that for some, the holidays may not be easy to navigate. In fact it may be downright hard.
I’ve come to realize that while the holidays will not be the same – some years will be good, some passable and some not so good – I had to give myself permission to do the holidays my way.
I focus on one day at a time and allow myself to do what makes me feel good, even if it means not following the expectations of what others may want me to do.
Every year, Derek and I engaged in our own holiday traditions. One of those would be to go to Bethlehem, PA to look at the Christmas lights and watch Santa ride through town on his Clydesdale-drawn sleigh.
I had a need to continue the tradition even though he was not physically here – so one morning, I just got into the car and drove to PA. The experience was different as it wasn’t during the night as I was used to doing. I also didn’t see Santa, but funnily enough I ended up having a good time exploring the Christmas shops and museums. I let go of expectations and gave myself permission to experience the tradition in a different way.
There are no expectations for you to be able to get through every day smiling and happy and that is ok even if others do not understand.
SO GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO DO WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO TO GET THROUGH THE COMING WEEKS.
If you want to stay in and create a voice message that says you are “Out of the Office”–
Book a trip for the holidays or indulge in something that makes you happy.
Leave a party early or not attend at all.
Give yourself permission to let the energy flow however you need it to.
YOU DO NOT NEED TO PLEASE EVERYONE
AND KNOW THAT EACH YEAR WILL BE DIFFERENT.
I used to go to South Carolina to spend the holidays with my best friend and her family. The warm weather and running after my nieces would help me to reset.
This Thanksgiving is a toss-up of spending it with friends or taking an impromptu trip up north. Or I may make lavender and white chocolate cocoa, put on my favorite sweats and binge watch movies.
For Christmas, I always hold an annual Cookie Swap party in early December. However, this year, I have not given a single thought to the actual day and that is ok. Whatever I decide on, I know it will be what I want to do to make me happy. It will be what my soul needs.
SO YOUR MISSION – IF YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT – IS TO DO EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT TO DO, WHATEVER MAKES YOU HAPPY OR CONTENT. THAT’S ALL THAT YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT. ♥
Sending love and light always.
RECIPE FOR LAVENDER & WHITE CHOCOLATE COCOA
Combine all of these ingredients into a small container to use whenever you want this indulgent treat.
¼ cup powdered milk
½ cup vanilla pudding mix
1 cup white chocolate, shaved
2 tbsp lavender
In a small saucepan, add ¼ cup of the Hot Chocolate Mixture into 1 ¼ cups of milk. Stir until heated through and the chocolate has melted.
Strain to remove the lavender and Enjoy!