Over thirty years ago, a little boy from Connecticut dreamed of being friends with a brown-eyed girl with red suspenders and pig tails. In the Bronx, that little girl knew that she would be with a boy with sparkling blue eyes. And when she finally met him for the first time, she told him ‘she was going to marry him’ to which he replied ‘thank God, I thought you would have found me crazy had I said it first.’
Through Derek I learned that no matter how many people I’ve lost in my life, I had an enormous love to share with the world.
I learned that fear was a choice as I explored the world and the deepest and best parts of myself with wonder and enthusiasm. Derek learned how unconditional love can transform the deepest part of a being (no matter how hurt or damaged) into an illuminated being of love. I also learned how to drive really, really fast. J
It has been a year, since my illuminated twin soul has left this physical world. And not a day passes that I do not wish to look upon those sparkling blue eyes. But, as he promised, Derek has never left my side and in the last year, I have been blessed and have learned more than I ever could imagine.
I’ve learned that:
“Love Never Fails.” This was on the cross that I received from an anonymous sender the day Derek passed, but it speaks to the truth that true love, unconditional love lasts beyond this physical world and radiates forever. Derek supports me every day in the mundane and magical sense and my life has been forever changed.
I’ve learned that we are divine beings having a human experience. And we can make our choices in life either based on FEAR or LOVE. I may have experienced death more than most but I always strive to operate out of love and compassion.
Finally, I have learned that I am LOVE and am LOVED. I thank God for my family especially at NBC and my core group who hold my hand every day, make sure that I am breathing when I forget how to and know when I say that “I’m Ok” that sometimes I am Ok but most of the times I’m not just trying to be strong and that’s “OK.” I am also blessed that Derek has guided me to meet “angels” who like myself have lost their soul mates and through the journey have taught me incredible strength, love and compassion. I love you all.
I’m only mid-way in my journey and have so much more to learn and be inspired by. The pain is still ever-present and I acknowledge that it will be a part of me today, tomorrow, 5 years from now or until the day I pass into the next realm. But the one lesson that I’ll never forget is that “I have loved Derek for a thousand years; I’ll love him for a thousand more.”
This entry was posted in Grief and Healing and tagged Afterlife, Death, Death of a Loved One, Dragonfly, Grief, Grief Loss and Bereavement, Guardian Angels, Healing, Heaven, helping a loved one through loss, Love, mourning, Spirituality, Undying Love, Widow.
I had originally intended to make tonight’s posting about two books I have been reading — Heaven and Earth by James VanPraagh and Psychic Intuition by Terry and Linda Jamison. However as I started to type, I felt the need for some background noise and decided to look for a movie to watch. So, it wasn’t just a coincidence that I would open the video cabinet and see the movie title, Dragonfly staring right at me.
Since Derek’s passing, I’ve been graced with the presence of dragonflies. An insect that I may have seen only a couple of times in my lifetime, has been appearing everywhere — in front of my home, darting around the car as I commute to work; I’ve even seen them in the city.
Their presence has been so noticeable I had to look up their symbolism: Dragonflies are a symbol of spiritual awakening, rebirth and immortality. When mating, dragonflies form a heart shape so they are also a symbol of love. The spirit of love is evident in this film.
In the movie, Kevin Costner plays, Joe Darrow, an Emergency Room doctor mourning the death of his wife in a bus accident in South America. Overcome with grief, he begins seeing signs of his wife trying to reach to him from beyond the grave — some of it revolving around a dragonfly which was representative of a birthmark on his wife’s shoulder and was her totem.
As Joe, who is an atheist, tries frantically to make sense of it all , his colleagues and friends begin to worry that he is losing his mind. In a pivotal scene in which Joe is tying to make sense of everything, his close friend, Miriam (played by Kathy Bates) tells him, “You gotta do the hard stuff, like I did. Like everyone does. You gotta clean out the closets, empty the drawers… and take down the vacancy sign that says “Emily’s ghost is welcome here”…and get on with your life without her.”
Even when others tried to stop him, he persisted in the belief that Emily was reaching out to him. As he began “opening his mind and heart to faith”, he was led to a small village in Columbia where he discovered that his wife had given birth to a child before she passed. When he sees his daughter he realizes that she too has a dragonfly birthmark. Had Joe listened to the ego instead of his intuition, we would have missed his miracle. “What she (Emily) taught me in life, she taught me in death…to trust, to have faith. Because as a friend of mine once said, “It’s belief that gets us there.””
Our loved ones are always around to support us with their love and guidance. However it is only when we put ego aside and believe that we are able to see their signs.
Derek used to tell me that we were a “power-soul” couple. While it is suggested that we have multiple soul mates in life, he knew that it has always been just the two of us through all of our lifetimes and that our love in this lifetime would be so strong that it would radiate beyond death.
Since, the moment of Derek’s passing he has been giving me messages of love and has been guiding me towards a journey of spiritual awakening. While the sadness and pain of his loss is very real, the last three months have been a miracle. I am blessed to have a guardian angel who has never left my side and who blesses me with signs and messages that re-affirms that love never dies. He is helping me to find my life’s purpose and to live life as authentically as possible. Had I listened to others and just moved on I would have missed this miracle. Because of the strength of our love I never faltered in faith, and because of that I see life differently — I feel life differently. I see and feel how our paths and its actions and inactions are all interconnected.
Even in spirit, Derek always has his arms wrapped around me and I welcome it with extreme gratitude. I feel his physical loss everyday, but I’ve learned that in death a new life comes into the world. In Derek’s passing, a new life of love has been born through me that continues to amaze me. “Love Never Fails” whether in this life or in the next and it is belief in the power of that love that gets us there.