Self-Help

The Chaos of Grief

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In grief, we create distractions — working harder, drinking, writing, drugs, traveling, volunteering, gambling. Whether or not they serve the highest good for us, the distractions wrap us up like a warm blanket, creating a white noise around our screaming hearts.

I have several distractions shared between work, classes, my meditation and Reiki practice, writing my book, Sunday drives, volunteering and meeting up with numerous friends. For the last two years, just about every day/night has been filled with an activity. But there have been moments, when a pocket of free time finds its way to me.

And that is when I feel the “chaos.”

The physics meaning of “chaos” is “behavior so unpredictable as to appear random owing to great sensitivity to small changes in conditions.” But the chaos of grief is that it was the result of a MASSIVE change in our lives. And the “unpredictable behavior” is a response to quelling the pain so that we do not fully lose ourselves. For myself I quell the noise by going to the casino.

When Derek was alive, we used to go to the casino only when my hand “itched” or when Derek had a dream of our number 123. And just as sure as we were of our intuition, we would head to AC to Empire and win a handsome amount. We would then treat ourselves to a celebratory dinner or brunch (if we stayed up all night) and would tuck the rest away for safe-keeping. Sometimes we would go to AC just to walk the boardwalk just enjoying the lights, music and energy of the place.

After he passed, when I hand would itch I would go to the casino and hear Derek direct me to the slots — I would play and stop just when telepathically he would say that the machines were done. While I was winning money, being at the casino felt empty  and yet I also felt anchored to a memory that had implanted memories of me and Derek deeply into myself. For me, the money did not matter as long as I was able to pretend for a moment that Derek was alive and with me. And so my “chaos” became driving to Empire Casino regardless of if my hand itched or not. Sometimes I would just sit and not play listening to the ringing of the Slot machines around me watching people win and lose. And sometimes I would play and lose big. Last night was one of those nights.  But as I drove the solitary road back over the Tappan Zee bridge, I heard my voice tell me that I was trading one pain for another.

I woke up with those words still ringing in my ears along with the song “Breathe Me” by Sia.

Just as portrayed in the video below, grief pulls all the “sides” of us out that are hurting and depressed — the child, the playful joker, the mother, the friend, or the lover. And in those moments when we feel like we’re falling we find support in outlets that do not serve our highest good. However, it is also important to embrace and celebrate those moments because in them we find our greatest strength. And we also realize that the work that we do for ourselves is not just for us but for all others who feel like falling.

So in the realization of being aware of my “crutch” I do not judge myself but lovingly know that every day is a new day to listen to our inner experience and reassure myself that whatever I have experienced in “that past moment” will not become my “NOW moment.” There will be many times when I will fall but I am now aware that each one makes me wiser and more graceful in navigating my choices. There are no mistakes in life as each event brings us into an opportunity to unconditionally love and accept ourselves and others.

 

Sia – Breathe me from PK on Vimeo.

Lyrics: “Breathe Me” – Sia

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there’s no one else to blame
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I’ve lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

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Reflections: One Day Back

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During my Sunday drive, I stopped for coffee and saw a black Subaru with the license plate — “One Day Back.” What was special about this instance is that the first time I saw the plate, it was 1 year ago to the day I saw its return. And the question in my head was the same…”What I would give to hav1 Day Backe 1 day back with Derek.”

Today, marks the 2 year anniversary that Derek has passed through the veil. I had no idea that morning I would leave for work with him walking me  to the bus stop, that it would have been the last time I would ever see my best friend again. And while I have resolved within myself the guilt that I felt for leaving him I still wonder “what would today look like if he were here?”

I imagine that I would be walking to the bus stop that morning for work with Derek and our year-old daughter – Graecyn kissing me to have a good day. During the day, he would be running his marketing company, Mark Collateral while taking our daughter out for a walk through Hook Mountain — his favorite hiking spot. Throughout the day he would take selfies and then send them to me to show me what great of a day they were having. I would come home and we would spend the rest of the day together…happy…

That is only 1 scenario of the many ways I have seen June 11th play out if he were here…

This morning I woke up looking at the empty side of the bed and his ashes that rest on the mantle…and I come to the realization that that “one day back” will reside only in my dreams. And with that thought I cry hard resigning to spend this June 11th in bed. It was in that exact moment that I received a text from my best friend, Rachael it said:

It’s hiding but the sun still rose again today, keep breathing, keep living, keep shining your light. Derek is always smiling on you. So happy to see you today. BREATHE! xoxoxo

And I got up and booked a massage…

When I think of “One Day Back” I think of all of the amazing days that I “lost” when Derek passed. But then am reminded in moments like these of all of the AMAZING days that have I have “gained” and have manifested into my life in celebration of his life.

Because of Derek, I bravely look into the deepest parts of myself and move into a path of healing, grace and acceptance of all of me. My heart is fuller, more open and allows me to demonstrate forgiveness, compassion, understanding, generosity, kindness, cheerfulness, positivity, and love. I am more aware of my divinity and of the universe and how we are always held and supported. Magic exists in this world and I see it manifested every day

Because of Derek, I am a Energy Healer and Grief Counselor helping others navigate through the deepest and darkest parts of themselves.P1000637

Because of Derek, I have discovered the treasure of deep and satisfying friendships with amazing men and women who either through their own loss and grief or challenges have inspired me to keep getting up and bravely live life. It is my deepest honor to call you my family.

My heart is still broken and the pain is sometimes unbearable but I will not jump on the “anniversary train.” For June 11th not only represents an incredible physical loss but the start of an eternal life with Derek that that inspires and keeps me helping others.

When I finally got out of bed I found a card on the floor from Derek in which he wrote “I love you with the deepest part of my soul now and through eternity…We’re on a Journey Together…”

We certainly are on a journey and have been even before I met you…thank you for always reminding me that love never dies.

 

 

What I’m Reading Now: this i know – notes on unraveling the heart ~ Susannah Conway

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This is one of the first books I purchased after Derek passed. And while I believe this book is suitable for anyone experiencing loss, this is a particularly helpful book for the tribe of women who have lost their husband, spouse or partner.

Susannah Conway’s book is soulful and heartwarming, as she shares her story of transitioning into her new life after the lost of her partner, through creative writing and photography. In sharing her story, Susannah invites us to delve into our own relationships with our loved ones and with ourselves through journal writing and photography. You will see some of my exercises posted in the Reflections section of this blog.

Addititionally, Conway teaches an online photojournalism course which offers a great opportunity to meet other women and make friends. http://www.susannahconway.com/