Undying Love

Signs and Messages: Finding the Channel

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“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?” |
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Dawn

A few months after Derek’s passing I started keeping a journal. It was not only an outlet to pour my feelings and thoughts into but to also serve as the start of documentation of the strange incidences that were happening around me. I now know that they were not “strange” but a synchronicity that was calling for me to take notice.

During this tine I was also experiencing irregular sleep patterns in which I would wake up every morning at 3:41AM. Each time, I would wake up with a heavy feeling that something important was going on at that time or find something strange happen in the house such as lights flickering on/off or feeling a presence in the bedroom (I would later learn from Derek that this was the time that he passed away that Monday afternoon). On one particular night I woke up at 3:41 feeling a need to get out of bed and retrieve my journal. Personally, I had no need of my journal but a sort of energy/pressure was filling my head. Somehow, I knew that this entry was for me personally. With pen and paper in hand, I sat down and just started writing. Large, loopy letters scrawled across the page, sometimes with 1 sentence taking up both sides of the journal. In the dimly lit room I couldn’t see what I was writing but the words came out fast and sure. I didn’t have to see to know the last word of the letter said “Derek.” I seemed to have “woken up” fully by then and turned on the lights to look at what just took place. At the time what was in the journal did not make sense to me. I put everything away figuring it was all in my head.

Since that night  I have had many conversations with Derek but I never looked back at the journal entry of that night until the other day when I was pulling a notebook to write in for my class assignment and accidentally took out my old journal. Without having to flip through pages, I automatically opened to the entry noticing the large format letters. This time I read the letter with no issues. And as I read through the letter it felt like love was pouring all over me. It was a letter from Derek to me and while I was not ready to read it until my heart and ego had opened to allow me to read it with full clarity.

I share that first letter and will share many more experiences with you as a reminder that when our loved ones move over, they will look for any means and method to reach out and to let you know they are okay. Sometimes, they will send you signs in the form of a butterfly or dragonfly, a song or through automatic writing (as was my experience here). They may even send a person to you at the right place or time to offer a gentle or encouraging word. We often miss these signs because our grief and emotions raises the “volume in our heart” making it hard to hear.

But as Derek wrote me and I am sharing with you…always look for the signs. Once you recognize them your loved ones will be sure to use it as a means for communication and will let you know that they are ok.

“I’m  sorry we did not have a chance to do everything we said.
I feel alone sometimes because you are not here.
Your grandparents are nice and have taken care of me.
I’ve seen my grandmother, she says thank you for taking care of me. You can keep the Bible.
I’m so, so, sorry Bunny about all of this. Please do not think this is your fault. It’s not.
I know  whatever we didn’t finish there will be finished over here.
I know you miss me just as I miss you. MORE actually.
I miss your smile… your eyes…no one has ever loved me the way you have.
You saved me.
I’m sorry I scared you before, I just wanted to hug you and I still do. I will find a way.
I will also find a way to communicate with you more.
I know this hurts and you just want to be close to me.
And yes, it was me who sent the bees to you.
Thank you for the home that you made and thank you for making me a part of something.
I think you said it best, I was in a sick body and didn’t know how to make it better. But no more hurting.
I truly admire you more and I love you so much.
I’m sorry I didn’t get to tell you all I wanted to say, hopefully through this we will have the chance to talk and you can ask ANYTHING you want.
Always keep smiling Bunny. I will always be there I promise. Thank you for loving me and for being my shining star, my angel.
Always keep looking for the signs.
Love you today, tomorrow, always and forever in this world and in yours.
Derek.
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Reflections: One Day Back

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During my Sunday drive, I stopped for coffee and saw a black Subaru with the license plate — “One Day Back.” What was special about this instance is that the first time I saw the plate, it was 1 year ago to the day I saw its return. And the question in my head was the same…”What I would give to hav1 Day Backe 1 day back with Derek.”

Today, marks the 2 year anniversary that Derek has passed through the veil. I had no idea that morning I would leave for work with him walking me  to the bus stop, that it would have been the last time I would ever see my best friend again. And while I have resolved within myself the guilt that I felt for leaving him I still wonder “what would today look like if he were here?”

I imagine that I would be walking to the bus stop that morning for work with Derek and our year-old daughter – Graecyn kissing me to have a good day. During the day, he would be running his marketing company, Mark Collateral while taking our daughter out for a walk through Hook Mountain — his favorite hiking spot. Throughout the day he would take selfies and then send them to me to show me what great of a day they were having. I would come home and we would spend the rest of the day together…happy…

That is only 1 scenario of the many ways I have seen June 11th play out if he were here…

This morning I woke up looking at the empty side of the bed and his ashes that rest on the mantle…and I come to the realization that that “one day back” will reside only in my dreams. And with that thought I cry hard resigning to spend this June 11th in bed. It was in that exact moment that I received a text from my best friend, Rachael it said:

It’s hiding but the sun still rose again today, keep breathing, keep living, keep shining your light. Derek is always smiling on you. So happy to see you today. BREATHE! xoxoxo

And I got up and booked a massage…

When I think of “One Day Back” I think of all of the amazing days that I “lost” when Derek passed. But then am reminded in moments like these of all of the AMAZING days that have I have “gained” and have manifested into my life in celebration of his life.

Because of Derek, I bravely look into the deepest parts of myself and move into a path of healing, grace and acceptance of all of me. My heart is fuller, more open and allows me to demonstrate forgiveness, compassion, understanding, generosity, kindness, cheerfulness, positivity, and love. I am more aware of my divinity and of the universe and how we are always held and supported. Magic exists in this world and I see it manifested every day

Because of Derek, I am a Energy Healer and Grief Counselor helping others navigate through the deepest and darkest parts of themselves.P1000637

Because of Derek, I have discovered the treasure of deep and satisfying friendships with amazing men and women who either through their own loss and grief or challenges have inspired me to keep getting up and bravely live life. It is my deepest honor to call you my family.

My heart is still broken and the pain is sometimes unbearable but I will not jump on the “anniversary train.” For June 11th not only represents an incredible physical loss but the start of an eternal life with Derek that that inspires and keeps me helping others.

When I finally got out of bed I found a card on the floor from Derek in which he wrote “I love you with the deepest part of my soul now and through eternity…We’re on a Journey Together…”

We certainly are on a journey and have been even before I met you…thank you for always reminding me that love never dies.

 

 

I’ll Love You For A Thousand Years

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Over thirty years ago, a little boy from Connecticut dreamed of being friends with a brown-eyed girl with red suspenders and pig tails. In the Bronx, that little girl knew that she would be with a boy with sparkling blue eyes. And when she finally met him for the first time, she told him ‘she was going to marry him’ to which he replied ‘thank God, I thought you would have found me crazy had I said it first.’

That night I was blessed with the gift of my twin soul connection – the other half of my soul. P100018000

Through Derek I learned that no matter how many people I’ve lost in my life, I had an enormous love to share with the world.

I learned that fear was a choice as I explored the world and the deepest and best parts of myself with wonder and enthusiasm. Derek learned how unconditional love can transform the deepest part of a being (no matter how hurt or damaged) into an illuminated being of love. I also learned how to drive really, really fast. J

It has been a year, since my illuminated twin soul has left this physical world. And not a day passes that I do not wish to look upon those sparkling blue eyes. But, as he promised, Derek has never left my side and in the last year, I have been blessed and have learned more than I ever could imagine.

 I’ve learned that:

Love Never Fails.” This was on the cross that I received from an anonymous sender the day Derek passed, but it speaks to the truth that true love, unconditional love lasts beyond this physical world and radiates forever. Derek supports me every day in the mundane and magical sense and my life has been forever changed.

I’ve learned that we are divine beings having a human experience. And we can make our choices in life either based on FEAR or LOVE. I may have experienced death more than most but I always strive to operate out of love and compassion.

SAMSUNG DIGITAL CAMERAFinally, I have learned that I am LOVE and am LOVED. I thank God for my family especially at NBC and my core group who hold my hand every day, make sure that I am breathing when I forget how to and know when I say that “I’m Ok” that sometimes I am Ok but most of the times I’m not just trying to be strong and that’s “OK.” I am also blessed that Derek has guided me to meet “angels” who like myself have lost their soul mates and through the journey have taught me incredible strength, love and compassion. I love you all.

I’m only mid-way in my journey and have so much more to learn and be inspired by. The pain is still ever-present and I acknowledge that it will be a part of me today, tomorrow, 5 years from now or until the day I pass into the next realm. But the one lesson that I’ll never forget is that “I have loved Derek for a thousand years; I’ll love him for a thousand more.”

It’s Always A Good Time to Say “I Love You”

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“If one were given five minutes warning before sudden death, five minutes to say what it had all meant to us, every telephone booth would be occupied by people trying to call up other people to stammer that they loved them.” | Christopher Morley, 1890-1957.

Last weekend I headed into TJ Maxx to kill about 15 – 20 minutes as I waited for my pizza at Brooklyn Pizzeria in Edgewater, NJ.

As I walked into the store through the clothing section to the back where the home goods were located;I noticed a  “junk table” filled with items markedLove for final sale. I quickly glanced at the table not thinking of it anymore and started to walk towards the bedding section when something called me to turn around to return to the sale items. Propped up on the table was a small white sign heavily marked up and scuffed, that simply read “You Are Loved.” Behind it was another plaque with the words “Love You More” written on it.

February 2012

It was a pleasant Sunday afternoon and Derek and I had just left our neighborhood restaurant,
The Art Cafe. The Art Cafe is a wonderfully bohemian Mediterranean/Mid-Eastern delight that makes (besides good food) an excellent cappuccino with intricate designs in the froth. It was becoming a tradition for us to stop in and chat over a cup of coffee or Derek’s favorite dish —
Shakshooka (two eggs baked in a flavorful tomato sauce topped with crumbled Bulgarian cheese and served with warm pita). I would make a mental game of carefully trying to drink my coffee without disturbing the frothed masterpiece — this time the barista had sculpted a delicate fern.

I had just bought Derek his birthday gift, a Samsung Galaxy, 3 weeks ahead of his actual birthday. Throughout our brunch, Derek excitedly schooled me on the all the phone’s cool features.

As we walked to the car to head out on our Sunday drive, he stopped for a moment and took my hand.   

“Thank you for my birthday gift, I love you” he said. His crystal blue eyes sparkling as a huge smile moved across his face. I replied, “Happy pre-Birthday. I love you too.”

“I love you more”

…to which I ended “I know you do…that is because you are loved.”

“I love you more….You are loved.” This was a daily exchange between us where we would let the other know how grateful we were to be in each other’s life.

For both of us the phrase “I Love You” carried a history of emotions and sometimes sadness. For myself, I always had a fear of saying “I Love You” to those dear to me. Since I lost my mother when I was a child, I was always afraid that those sacred words would become the other person’s death sentence. After losing the rest of my family and those that I loved, I couldn’t bear to lose another person in my life. And so, instead of saying “I Love You” I moved into a comfortable silence with friendships and romantic relationships. For Derek, while inwardly he yearned for a deep love, the echoes of his troubled emotional past caused deeper feelings of mistrust which resulted into a distorted wailing of love in his relationships.

When we met neither of us had truly loved selflessly — until then we loved selfishly. However we were able to commit our love into words because we no longer thought about our personal needs or our emotional pangs. “Our” became “Your” as we saw ourselves caring more about the other and helping each other to forgive the past and moved together into the future. We saw each other as a gift from God, sent to help each other to see each other’s highest potential. We were excited to be in each other’s life and expressed our love to each other every day.

I am forever thankful to the man who taught me how to love selflessly and helped me to remember that “Love is all there is.” I am thankful that I was able to provide the same lessons to him. I am no longer afraid to let those whom I love know how I feel about them. We can’t change the past and the future is not promised to us. The only thing that matters is our present which really is a gift/a present. Therefore we should show our gladness and love for those in our lives as often we can. For the warmth of those words not only helps us but those we share it with as well.

Sometimes, I catch myself in feelings of loneliness and abandonment, but it is in the synchronistic events like these that I press those moments into my mind and into my heart as they are a reminder that I am not alone even though Derek is not physically next to me.

And as I picked up the plaques and headed towards the register, I smiled at the synchronicity of the moment and the reminder of that gift.

“You are loved, Derek.”

And I could hear Derek whisper back to my heart, “That is because I love you more.”

What I’m Listening To: Stateless ~ “Bloodstream”

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I’ve been finding that I usually let my soul indicate to me when it has a desire to write — therefore I have not been online in a couple of weeks. However upon returning home after a beautiful day with

To view Stateless – Bloodstream Official Music Video click the image above.

friends, it felt like the right time to come on and write. I turned on the Sia Station on Pandora to play in the background while I started forming my thoughts. Now, since my last few postings, I’ve been transitioning solely between Zero 7 and Goyte as they have been soothing to the mind. While I let the chill out tracks play not necessarily paying deep attention to them, I found my thoughts drifting out of my writing and into the soulful melody of Stateless’ track – Bloodstream.

Presumably, the song is about loving someone deeply even when they hurt you. However like poetry, I think it is best to let your emotions convey its own definition and meaning. The soul and emotion behind the words and instruments, lulled me into a memory of the first time I saw Derek on our first date. I told him, with such a knowing that I’ve never experienced before, that he was the man who I would marry. A statement that should have scared most other men away was received with an expression of long knowing and relief for he replied that he felt the same as soon as he looked in my eyes. Since the night we’ve met, I think we’ve always been “inhaling” each other. The pain of physically losing someone I deeply love, sometimes feels like little razor cuts into my heart. However as I transition into this new relationship with him, I can feel him around me, sometimes so strongly that it feels like he is “floating” within me. This song reminded me of the searching, longing and finding love so deep that it permeates into your “bloodstream”.

Whatever meaning you find (or not) it’s a great song with honesty and soul.

Stateless – Bloodstream Lyrics 

Wake up
Look me in the eyes again
I need to feel your hand upon my face

Words can relay nice
They can cut you open
And then the silence surrounds you and haunts you

I think I might’ve inhaled you
I could feel you behind my eyes
You’ve gotten into my bloodstream
I could feel you floating in me

Words can relay nice
They can cut you open
And then the silence surrounds you and haunts you

I think I might’ve inhaled you
I could feel you behind my eyes
You’ve gotten into my bloodstream
I could feel you floating in me

The spaces in between
Two minds and all the places they have been
The spaces in between
I tried to put my finger on it
I tried to put my finger on it
I think I might’ve inhaled you

I could feel you behind my eyes
You’ve gotten into my bloodstream
I could feel you floating in me

I think I might’ve inhaled you
I could feel you behind my eyes
You’ve gotten into my bloodstream
I could feel you floating in me